Borrow Calm: Why the Right Person Can Change Your Stress State
You probably know two different kinds of people.
The first kind hears about your problem and says:
“OH MY GOODNESS! That’s terrible! You know what happened to my cousin? Exactly the same thing, except MUCH WORSE…”
Twenty minutes later you have six additional problems you didn’t have before the conversation started.
Then there is the second type.
They listen.
They don’t immediately panic.
They don’t try to fix everything.
And somehow after ten minutes in their company, the problem hasn’t disappeared — but it feels more manageable.
Those people are valuable.
Because sometimes we can borrow calm from somebody else.
Human beings regulate one another
Stress doesn’t happen in isolation.
Our relationships can contribute to stress, but supportive relationships can also buffer its effects.
Research examining social relationships and health has found that supportive relationships can influence how people experience and respond to stressful situations, although the quality and context of the relationship matter enormously.
This makes intuitive sense.
Imagine being given frightening news while completely alone.
Now imagine receiving exactly the same information while sitting beside somebody you trust.
The facts haven’t changed.
Your experience of the facts may have.
Choose your “calm people”
Think about the people in your life.
Who usually leaves you feeling:
more grounded?
more optimistic?
more capable?
more peaceful?
Who helps you see the situation clearly without pretending everything is wonderful?
Those are your calm people.
You don’t need twenty.
Two or three may be enough.
And you can be one of those people for somebody else.
The ten-minute human reset
When something is getting on top of you, try this.
Contact somebody you trust and say:
“I’ve got something going around in my head. Can I talk it through with you for ten minutes?”
Then explain what actually happened.
Not every possible future disaster.
What actually happened.
Your calm person doesn’t necessarily need to provide a solution.
Often hearing ourselves describe the problem out loud changes it.
Then finish the conversation with three questions:
- What part of this can I control?
- What part can I not control?
- What is one useful thing I can do next?
That shifts the conversation from endless emotional rehearsal toward useful action.
Be careful who you borrow your state from
The reverse is equally important.
Emotional states spread through workplaces, families and groups.
Spend lunch every day with three people who complain constantly and you may notice yourself beginning to see the world through the same lens.
That does not mean abandoning people whenever they experience difficulty.
Compassion matters.
But there is an important difference between supporting somebody through a difficult time and participating in a daily ritual of negativity.
Sometimes stress reduction involves choosing your conversations more deliberately.
Ducks work better in a flock
There is a lovely connection here to our “I Don’t Give A Duck” idea.
The duck is an anchor for a state we want to return toward.
But sometimes the most powerful reminder isn’t an object.
It’s a person.
Someone whose presence reminds us:
“This isn’t the end of the world.”
“We’ll work it out.”
“Let’s deal with the thing we can actually deal with.”
Perhaps that’s the bigger lesson.
Stress reduction does not have to be complicated.
Sometimes you need to breathe.
Sometimes you need to walk.
Sometimes you need to turn your phone off.
Sometimes you need your duck.
And sometimes you simply need to spend ten minutes with someone who helps you remember who you are when you’re at your best.
Discover all five Stress Less tools in “I Don’t Give A Duck…”